i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
