ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
