Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
