I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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