totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
