Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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