I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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