I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
