dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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