and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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