hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
