Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
