when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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