and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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