There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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