Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
