I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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