If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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