Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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