if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
