I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
