if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
