All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
