So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
someone threw a dead crab at me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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