Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
