Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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