I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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