OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
