She's JV to your varsity
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
