I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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