I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
