i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
