sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
