I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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