i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
