Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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