It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
