captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
