tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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