When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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