96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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