Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
