I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
