My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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