Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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