There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This is the high leading the old right now
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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