Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
