pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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