Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
