I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
