Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
