Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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